a clearer picture

I can't see but I can feel and I know
That in my eyes isn't all there is to behold
This wanting mind burns to see
The veiled, the intangible, the mystery
That is love that is God
Wind commanding the sea
That is hate that is evil
The world all-consuming
Spoken words caught on the air
Setting worlds on fire
Or unloading a care
All things that I cannot see
But are as true and as real as the air that I breathe
Life flows free and unseen
Between you and me
Embrace the chance and opportunity
To see with your mind and feel with your soul
Because you can't see with your eyes
All there is to behold

Some wounds heal better than others
But the one you left cut deep and ugly
The sting of an abandoned habit lingers in my throat
As smoke fills my lungs to capacity
A smooth flavor that's safe
Fleeting bliss
A chagrined heart still beats true
Even when red is exchanged for blue
I pity the next and those before
May they go on to find what is more

a glow on her cheek

beautiful love songs
delicate like snowflakes
written from memories made and the ones to make
fall from her lips and decorate her eyes
anxious thoughts of no more goodbyes
she saves herself for the one she loves
hopes like birds flutter round above
their paths a habit formed
by the frequency flown
these hopes are what sustain her
when the days wane slow and long
but soon enough i know she'll be
in those arms where she belongs

i'll wait

the breeze carries a sweet scent on it's breath
hazelnut, coffee and cigarettes
revelry
in moments like these
the depth of your eyes
those curious smiles
our hearts mesh like our hands
now dangling between us intertwined
i've been waiting for you
across the water
over the land
under too many skies
for too long

orion's bane

Under you under the night sky
Galaxies stage the passion
I shine for you
I burn
I fall
Into your arms
We sweep through the constellations
But the fire in your eyes burns brighter by far
Than any of the millions of brilliant stars
Exploding celestial bodies
As we let ourselves go
Planets spinning out of control
You're perfectly clear
Surroundings obscure
Let's follow the world in it's orbit
Suspended with the stars
Parting only with the rising sun
That in our perfect accord will never come

perpetual twilight

midnight hours draw genius from some
but these hours i lie while my hand plays dumb
i'm ever awake but never inspired
this body wants rest but her brain never tires
heavy lids crave the sleep that doesn't come so easily
thoughts uncontained that can't be maintained
array themselves in a haphazard way
you think them at rest but not so fast
they disband and scatter at the slightest of breath
ink lays to paper and oh the frustration
the cycle repeats again and again
wrong words lacking rythm
and in the end still
thoughts unconcontained that can't be maintained
array themselves in a haphazard way
succumb to the mediocrity
it's all been written anyways

how it goes

these sleepless nights and relentless thoughts
have become a common occurance
it's bad but it's good
because i've found that i could
solve all the world's problems but mine
something's not right
a constant battle i fight
try as i might
i always lose sight
it's not all me, i'm not alone
the battle's not mine to win
God is in control
desperate for recongnition
but God that's not my mission
longing for closure
i need more exposure
to the true meaning of trust
rather than my worldly lusts
make my vision as yours
give me spiritual eyes
to know you more
so i can show them you

bigger than this

Uncertainty and disappointment wash over me
A thing once clearly defined in my mind has slowly been ebbing away
Ebbing away until today it was completely swept clean
Left is an empty slate, no words, no signs, nothing to grasp onto
Faith is lost in what was true
True becomes false and I'm so sorry
It seems so cliche but what else is there to say
When doubts arise and feelings change

Emotions ran high and time was lacking
Sufficient only for hasty words and actions
No regrets you say, you meant every word
But still all the while I rested assured
Assured of a love that would be waiting for me
The foundation of which filled many of my dreams

This cancer called heartbreak spreads through my bones
Infecting my organs, I feel so alone
But I know, oh I know, that there is something bigger than this
A God who wants my full dependence
I'll lean on him, he'll support this sad body
I'll succumb to the weakness in which he'll prove himself perfectly
To you, oh Lord, do I commend this heart
Make me whole and offer your loving comfort

I don't understand but come what may
Just be it your will, by your side I'll stay
I cannot know what the future will bring
But until that time comes, your praises I'll sing

state and solution

A spoonfed generation gorges on glorified lies
Yet we starve and are never satisfied
Consequences are covered up by pretty paints and gloss
But a marred complexion underlies
The noises of the world silence the cries
Without mercy
Draw closer
Draw near
Do you see their desperation?
Offer them the unconventional
With all your words be intentional
Color their pailid faces with hope
Brighten their dull eyes with pictures of heaven
The bleachers are cold and hard
Lacking substance and warmth
Epitomizing the bodies that fill them
Their faces look old
Can you look past their listless gaze?
Offer season to their tasteless souls?
They've got the motions down pat
From a distance they look live
Don't buy it
Draw closer
Draw near
Do you see their desperation?
Offer them the unconventional
With all your words be intentional
Color their pailid faces with hope
Brighten their dull eyes with pictures of heaven

rain on I-40

Mesmerized by the rain
Collecting as it runs across the window
Competing with the landscape for the rearview mirror
The red earth drinks it up
Saturated and satisfied
Days of drought so nearly passed now seem obscure
The womb of barren land now brings forth new life
The full spectrum of color dances in the sun
Peaking through the clouds every now and then
It cleanses my face turned up to the heavens
Refreshing my dry weary soul
I raise my hands to glorify
The God to whom it testifies
And I sing hallelujah
He is so good
Hallelujuh
He's so good

goodbye Alice in Wonderland

I'm craving reality. This life, this place seems so... lacking. I've been provoked to think about the difference between dreaming and pretending, which at first confused me a little bit. I didn't understand the comparison, but on further reflection I've come to some conclusions. I feel young, lacking experience, and inferior. Who am I to speak? I am speaking from where I am at, not knowing all the answers, just in search thereof. I've gone back and forth in times past between dreaming and pretending. Dreaming is more the thought of pretending without being put into motion, while pretending is the playing out of a dream... but still it is only that, and can never be reality. At what point does pretending become real? There's a fine line sometimes even between reality and pretend, a line I have flirted with, a line I have crossed over, a line I have all together ignored... treating all as reality, and ultimately, as truth. My truth. That line should be completely obvious, but at some point the blinders go on and denial is embraced. Let the good times roll, but all is hebel and in vain. Pretending comes to an end... pretending is entertaining pretty lies... In search of reality and of truth, I say goodbye to Alice in Wonderland.

As of late

Recently I've struggled with priorites in my life... I've let myself fall behind in my relationship with God, my friendships, and also in my schoolwork. It's been hard for me to keep my focus because I allow distractions; not necessarily BAD distractions, just unneccessary ones that get put higher on the list than they ought. Sigh. It's days like today that I am so grateful for the love and the grace God supplies. Yesterday I came across a passage in Scripture that I have made my prayer and supplication to God:
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with the fullness of God. Now to whom who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Ephesians 3:14-21
This passage really struck me because I recently was talking to my teammate Natalie about hungering for God and him being the bread of life and just knowing that "he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things (Psalm 107:9)." In the last month Satan has been at work in my life! There have been times of doubt and frustration, and yet I didn't look to the one who could get me through it. Oh, but God is so faithful. I see now that he was there all the while, he just lacked my acknowledgement. Tonight I am filled with good things... I am satisfied... my thirst is quenched and my hunger is sated. And it is well with my soul.